I Never Planned This Life: My Journey to Motherhood and Homeschooling
I Never Planned This Life
There was a time in my life when I never imagined I would be here.
Not as a mom.
Not with a house full of kids.
Not homeschooling.
Not building a life centered around family.
If anything… I was trying to avoid it.
I come from an unstable childhood with divorced parents, and for a long time, I carried that with me in a way that shaped every decision I made. I didn’t trust myself to do things differently. I didn’t want to repeat the cycle. And the safest way to make sure of that felt like… not becoming a mom at all. Maybe not even getting married.
That wasn’t the life I pictured.
But the Lord had a different plan.
And looking back now, I can see His hand in places I couldn’t see it at the time.
When Everything Started to Change
When He brought Nate into my life, something started to shift.
And then when He gave me my first baby… everything changed.
Not all at once. Not perfectly. But slowly, gently, in ways I didn’t expect.
By the time my next child was 1, I realized how much fun motherhood could actually be.
The Decision That Shifted Everything
When my oldest was getting ready for kindergarten, I remember sitting with that decision and feeling this quiet, persistent tug in my heart.
This doesn’t feel right.
Public school didn’t feel like the place for her.
But we couldn’t afford private school. And homeschooling?
That felt completely out of reach.
I actually laughed when my husband suggested it.
I didn’t think I had the patience.
Or the temperament.
And I definitely didn’t think I was cut out for that kind of life.
But the seed had been planted… and it didn’t go away.
Years later, when she was halfway through 4th grade, that same feeling came back—but stronger.
Clearer.
And this time, I listened.
I pulled her out of public school…
with a 6-month-old baby in my arms.
It didn’t make sense on paper.
It wasn’t part of some well-thought-out plan.
It felt overwhelming and uncertain and honestly a little scary.
But deep down, I knew it was what I was supposed to do.
At the end of that school year, I pulled my other daughter out too after she finished 1st grade.
And just like that… this life began in earnest.
A Life I Now Love
And here’s the part I didn’t expect:
I love it.
I love being home with my kids.
I love the slow mornings and the messy middle of our days.
I love learning alongside them. And we’ve found so many ways to learn together—including through our love of board games.
I love that we aren’t counting down the days until breaks or weekends anymore.
Before, it felt like we were always waiting for life to start.
Now… this is our life.
It hasn’t looked the way I thought it would.
The age gaps between my kids weren’t what I would have planned.
The timing wasn’t what I would have chosen.
There were seasons that felt stretched and exhausting and anything but picture-perfect.
But even in that… I can see it now—
The Lord knew what He was doing.
He knew the kind of family we were building.
He knew the dynamics we would need.
He knew the ways my heart would grow in each season.
And now, I wouldn’t change it.
What Motherhood Has Taught Me
I love that we’re a big family.
I love the noise, the fullness, the constant movement of life happening all around me.
I find myself dreaming about the future sometimes…
Big holiday gatherings around a full table.
Grandkids running through the house.
Summer days where they come stay for a week at a time.
A slower life, maybe even a homestead, where everyone always knows they have a place to come back to. A place where they can shrug off the world for a bit. A safe haven for my children, their spouses and their children – something that my soul quietly cries for.
That dream feels so deeply rooted in my heart.
And if I’m being honest… I would have had more babies if I could.
But my body says I’m done. And it’s time to support my oldest two as they start building their own lives.
Even in the sadness at the closing of that season, I’m learning to trust that the Lord knows what He’s doing there too.
Motherhood wasn’t something I longed for in the beginning.
It wasn’t something I felt naturally drawn to.
But my children…
They’ve changed me.
They’ve shown me how much love a heart can hold.
They brought healing into places I didn’t even realize were still hurting.
My children have made this life feel full in a way I didn’t know was possible.
If you’re in a place where you’re unsure…
or if your story doesn’t look the way you thought it would…
if you’re carrying scars from where you came from—
You’re not alone.
And sometimes, the life you never planned
becomes the one that heals you.
The one that grows you.
The one that was waiting for you all along.
🤍
